Enjoying Hope! The Power of Release
Letting go of things can be difficult. Well — at least it has been for me over the years.
I’m certain that being a victim of sexual abuse played a great role in my learning to “hold things in”…leading me to “hold on” to them. (Which you and I already know is SO unhealthy!) I had learned to hide my feelings of shame, as a coping mechanism to deal with the painful realities I was experiencing. Back at that time, there was no such thing as “counseling” in most families. So it became my “best kept secret” — that I held inside.
This, in turn, became my general modus operandi. I had a tendency to hold on to things, and never “release” them. Actually, it’s been a 30-year journey and battle! I mentioned in my last blog about finally being in a place where I don’t allow people to take my power. This is my confession: Yes, I would just give my power away — and give it away freely. My fears allowed me to let people intimidate me — because I didn’t know how to express my true feelings, which had been bottled up for so long.
I remember holding on to one particular issue for over 20 years, when a certain individual “did me wrong.” I had to see this person almost every day – so, practically every day I replayed the incident over and over in my mind. So much animosity had built up inside; it was depressing, and I hated it. And as years passed, it seemed like I would just be overpowered by one thing after another. This wasn’t a good time in my life — because if you stepped on my toe I would hold on to it! I wasn’t giving anyone or anything a free pass.
I wanted to be free…and once I hit my late thirties, after a bout with clinical depression, I decided enough was enough. I had come to several crossroads, and needed to make some decisions. I was tired of constantly crying, and feeling like everything my family had worked hard for was being taken away from us — by individuals who were clearly looking for self-gain and exposure. I was left wounded and bruised on several instances. I used to wonder how in the world people could live with themselves – but in reality, I didn’t have on any “boxing gloves” to protect myself, because I had always been taught to turn the other cheek. I had been taught to direct all the blame on myself.
So, what was my “moment of release?” It was actually several moments; my “release” happened in steps. The first thing I had to do was find the courage to walk away. I had to walk away from some situations in my own family that were at the core of this ongoing issue. I had to make the decision to choose between safety, security, and familiarity…and my own emotional, physical, and spiritual survival. That was a first and critical step…and once I had made it, things immediately became healthier in my life, and in the lives of those I held nearest and dearest to me.
After a number of other smaller steps to assert and protect my own self-esteem and self-confidence, another major step occurred when I found myself being confronted with the same lie I had prayed and battled with for over 20 years. The same feelings of bitterness, resentment, and sadness resurfaced, out of nowhere.
That same “familiar spirit” was ever so present — but finally, after 20 years, I was able to identify it — and ultimately realize that it wasn’t “me” that it was coming from. It wasn’t my fault; it wasn’t even my issue, and never had been! This awareness allowed me to finally release my feelings of guilt and shame, and find healing from that issue.
Today – thankfully — it doesn’t take years, days, or even hours to release painful or upsetting emotions. I have learned to accept that if I’ve done my best – and still can’t change the situation for the better — I will not let it consume my mind, or my day. Instead, I’ve learned to “release it” — and give it to God, and trust that it will be worked out through a power and will greater than my own.
Today, I have learned to take back my power…and forgive myself. Self-forgiveness – more about that next time!
Until next time…remember: Expect the Best!
Angelia