How to Hire Your Soulmate in 4 Easy Steps
Ditch what you think you know about dating
Dating is a daunting task, especially in our digital age. An enticing photo paired with a list of random qualities and demographics says little about who a person really is.
So ditch what you think you know about dating, and start by establishing what you truly want in a partner. I don’t mean physical traits; I mean the intangibles—those attributes that make or break a relationship. An exhaustive list is not necessary. But once you know that deep conversations are important to you, you’ll find it easier to let go of your physically attractive Tinder match.
Most employers exercise great scrutiny when evaluating potential candidates for employment. So what if you used a similar approach to vet your potential mate? Here’s what it might look like:
In this stage, you review the pool of applicants. But before you can start reviewing, you need to have your requisition detailing the position, its duties and its qualifications.
In other words, what do you want in and from a partner? Refer to the list mentioned earlier, and consider what you’ve noticed in previous relationships. Ask yourself the important questions:
- “Am I needy?”
- “Does my personality type require reassurance from others?”
- “Do I prefer traditional gender roles or a 50/50 partnership?”
Dig deep and get honest about who you are—especially the pieces of yourself that have yet to heal or grow.
Then comes the time to observe. You’ll spend most of your time in this phase, selecting one or two “candidates.”
Perhaps they match your list or tickle your fancy. Whatever the attraction, put it on the back burner, and let it simmer on low.
Have an actual phone conversation; avoid excessive texting, else you run the risk of miconstruing tone and intent. If local, plan a first date. This date should take place in public—somewhere where you won’t be alone but you will have enough privacy to converse. Be sure to arrange your own transportation. I always recommend prioritizing your safety.
Observation begins before you even lock eyes. Pay close attention. Was the candidate late? Did he call as a courtesy? How did he treat the restaurant staff? Did he greet you with confidence or cowardice? These micro-observations provide excellent insight into a person’s character.
Remember, now is not the time for you to spill your life story. Resist the urge to mention past hurts or breakups. Some predatory people will dig for this kind of information so they can use it to their advantage down the road.
Instead discuss your interests, and be honest about your current relationship status. Ask about their dislikes, pet peeves and those things that are salient to your core beliefs like religious views or parenthood goals—the non-negotiables.
I once counseled a beautiful couple whose love for each other was palpable. Their only contention was over whether to have children. And it was no small contention.
Many argue with their partner over non-negotiables but then remain in the relationship, hoping the other person will change their mind. Do not allow this to happen. You will find yourself faced with life-changing decisions that ultimately hurt you both.
In this phase, you have the power to decide whether the prospect moves on to the next phase. Will you date him? If not, why not? Will you hire him on for a probationary period? Are you more interested now that you’ve spent time with him, or less interested? Are you agreeing to a second date out of fear, or are you coming from a place of power? At this stage, your only obligation is you.
Stay in the present moment. Women have a tendency to romanticize even the slightest contact.
I once heard a woman state with certainty, “I can totally see myself with him.” When I asked his middle name and favorite color, she gave me an incredulous look. This is the time to collect information, not to leap to conclusions.
Cut your losses early. When you notice red flags, don’t brush them off as trivial. Connect with why that innocuous action, statement or behavior bothers you. Examine your intuition. You owe them nothing and yourself everything.
Ce Anderson pulls the veil away from the abuse epidemic and gives concrete solutions to victims of abuse. Read more about her at ceandersonlive.com.