Enjoying Hope! “Be Alone with You.”
As women, we have a natural tendency to nurture and demonstrate compassion for those we care about in our lives. We do our best to try and be there for those people in every way that we can. Many times, as we offer our love, care, empathy, and the very heart of ourselves to friends and loved ones, we do it at the expense of maintaining that same kind of love for ourselves.
Why do we do this?
Is it because we feel the need to fulfill that Superwoman or Supermom mentality we see depicted by the media? Or maybe it’s because our societal culture is designed to influence us into believing that we are obligated to take on the lion’s share of duties at home, church and at work. Does it help us achieve a level of self-actualization, which validates our egos and provides us with a sense of accomplishment and relevance?
If we attempt to get to the root of the issue—we might find that much of the blame can be placed on ourselves. Yes, I just said that. But, give me a minute to explain.
Think about it. For those of us who are serving as the CEOs of our households, the workload can be overwhelming at times. There’s managing and maintaining the family’s budget, keeping the house clean and organized, ensuring that homework is complete and school projects are done well and turned in on time. There may also be transporting the kids (and sometimes their buddies) back and forth to extracurricular activities like sports, music lessons, or church choir rehearsal. Then, there’s being there emotionally for our friends and family, which can mean attending events when we’re sometimes exhausted or just being that sounding board or shoulder to cry on. Oh, and let’s not forget volunteering at church and other community service activities. Making out this list alone is sending me into exhaustion mode. There is a lot of “stuff” going on here. Sound familiar?
Now, take inventory of your own regularly recurring daily commitments and obligations, and answer one simple question for me. Does something seem to be missing from your list?
I’m not letting my single ladies off the hook here either. Some of you are really good about carving out the time to take care of yourselves. You get to the hairdresser. You make the time to get your mani’s and pedi’s. You make the time to snuggle up next to the fireplace with an exciting new novel. But some of you are as guilty as my “CEO of the household” sisters.
Okay, now let me whisper a secret to you. “You can’t go on like that forever.” You have to make time to be alone with you.
This reality hit me a few years after I started Hope for Women Magazine. I was busy setting up a start-up company. Since my career background wasn’t in journalism, the learning curve was steep and it ate up loads of my time. I was meeting new people regularly and gleaning what I could from them. I was often leaning on my gut and intuition as I interviewed and hired people, seeking the right people with the right attitudes who shared my vision to take along on my journey. One day, as I shuffled through the clothes in my closet looking for a decent “first impression” suit to don myself in for a very important business meeting, I felt frustrated and stressed. I realized that the clothes in my closet were three to four years old. To put it bluntly, they felt too outdated for such an important meeting.
An overwhelming weight and sense of guilt on my part overcame me. Like many of you, I have a nurturing tendency. I want the best for my family, so I do my very best to ensure that all of their needs, and many of their wants, are met. School clothes, sports activity fees, uniforms, video games, and purchasing odds and ends around the house can eat up a budget faster than you can snap your fingers—especially when you include the added expense of investing capital toward a start-up business.
I had let the demands of day-to-day life consume me, and I had neglected to take time to meet my own personal and emotional needs. The weight was about more than the superficiality of having a nice, up-to-date outfit to wear. It was about taking time to ensure that my own personal needs were met—that I felt emotionally healthy and sufficient. That I had taken care of the needs on my personal to-do-list the same way I had regularly done for my family and close friends.
Unfortunately, at that point in my life, I was failing miserably with balancing my needs with the needs of everyone else. How often do we do that?
Sometimes I wonder if it’s because we incorrectly assume that reciprocity is somehow a no-brainer. In other words, if we give and give to our family and friends, they will automatically take an active role in ensuring that we take time out for ourselves. Some of us are lucky enough to have people in our lives that recognize when we need to be alone or need time to recharge. And, they help us get there. But, it shouldn’t come to that. We have to take responsibility for making sure our needs are met.
How can we expect to continue to have love, energy, joy and other feelings of abundance to share with the people we love if we never take time and responsibility for recharging our own batteries? It reminds me of the safety warning many of us ignore as we buckle our seatbelts and listen to the stewardess babble before the plane soars off the tarmac. She mentions a safety precaution that can save not only our own lives, but put us into a position to save the lives of others on the plane should an accident occur. She directs us to, “Place your own safety mask on before you attempt to place on the mask of your child or other passengers.”
How profound are those words of wisdom? If I don’t take the time and energy to ensure that my well-being is okay, I may not have the oxygen or energy to help out my spouse, child or the stranger sitting next to me.
Even more profound is the old saying, “When Mama’s happy, everybody’s happy.” All the more reason and ammunition to ensure we take care of ourselves.
If you haven’t already guessed, that‘s my challenge to you the next few weeks. My challenge is for you to be alone with you. Do something special for yourself. Whether you go out and spend a few hours at the mall shopping for a new outfit, get your toes done, sit at a quiet coffee shop and read that book you’ve been eyeballing, or simply sit quietly and meditate at a designated space in your home (wait until the kids go to sleep or consider waking up 30 minutes earlier than normal to pull this one off). Either way, do something that’s just for you. Before you know it, you will have fit a slot of time for yourself into your regular inventory of recurring activities. I’m not completely there myself, but I’m working on it. What I do know is the time I have spent regaining a focus on my needs has already returned benefits of better health, mental clarity and stress relief. And, I want the very same thing for you. Be blessed.
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