Changing Me: Mind, Body, Spirit One woman’s journey to change her body, change her mind, change her life.
I promised myself that I would step over the piles of laundry to get out the door to the gym. When I returned, I would look at the piles with more determination instead of the overwhelming sinking feeling that I get when I look at the dirty laundry that my household produces.
I’m going to be real with ya’ll for a moment. I have self-esteem issues.
There, I said it. It almost hurts to say. But, it’s true.
“But…” I know you’re saying to yourself right now. “Really? You?” Yes. Me. And If I ever get close enough to a friend to reveal it, I always get shocked looks and responses.
“But, you’re so talented.” “You’re beautiful.” “You’re so inspiring to others.” “You can do anything.” And my favorite: “But you’re a child of God, how can you think down on yourself?”
I don’t know, I just do.
However, when I turned 30, something changed inside. I was tired of feeling down on myself. I remember vividly, like it was yesterday, the morning of my 30th birthday. I awoke earlier than anyone in my house, lay in my bed, and began to reflect on my 30 years. I was a wife, a mom, involved in my church, a dedicated teacher, and friend. As I began thinking, I realized that I have tried to be everything to everyone… and nothing to myself.
As I prayed about it, God led me to a conclusion: Ultimately, my self-esteem issues stemmed from a lack of self-care. My excuse for holding on to pregnancy-weight was that I didn’t have enough time. I made a promise to myself that I would take better care of myself. I would put my health and well being before other things that didn’t matter so much. I would rely more heavily on my husband instead of trying to be supermom and superwife.
I promised myself that I would step over the piles of laundry to get out the door to the gym. When I returned, I would look at the piles with more determination instead of the overwhelming sinking feeling that I get when I look at the dirty laundry that my household produces.
I have held on to the promise I made to myself. I have made dramatic changes. I’m not ‘on a diet,” I’m making healthy choices. I’m not in a hurry to ‘lose weight’ and then quit. Reaching my goal weight will signal progress, not a finish line. I’ve made this change for life.
It has been a slow and steady change. I’ve slowly lost weight, I’ve slowly become addicted to exercise. When I heard that my dad was running again after being diagnosed with cancer, enduring chemo and radiation, and ultimately beating the disease, I was inspired to run. My dad has been a runner all of his life and I always thought he was crazy — who would want to run? Now, I just can’t get enough of it! I actually miss it on my rest days. I’ve even boldly entered two 5K races so far.
I run for vanity. I run for stress-release. I run to get away from my house and just be “me” for an hour. I run to feel the wind on my face and the sweat on my brow. I run to feel alive. I run to push myself mentally and physically. I run to become a better person. I run for my husband. I run for motherhood. I run for patience. I run because sometimes life just hurts.
I run for my self-esteem. When I complete a 5K, or a really good run, I feel like I can do anything. I feel good about myself. Am I perfect? No. I’m far from it. In fact, in my first 5K race photo, all I could focus on was the “mommy belly” that was there, and even more pronounced by the positioning of my purple shirt. I didn’t look at my strong legs, my ability to finish, the determined look on my face, or, more importantly, the two strong men that I flew by at the finish line. I was focusing on the negative. I almost didn’t even share that photo with my Facebook friends.
However, as I thought about it, I began to slowly not care. I completed my first 5K race, and I have no reason to be ashamed. I don’t have a model-perfect body, I don’t look like the runners that have been running since high school, but I’m working out every day, and I see changes every week.
Today, I wore a skirt that I haven’t worn since my honeymoon.
God is changing me from the inside out. He is changing my mind, my body, and my spirit. As I rely more heavily on him, I’m guided by his light, and it’s leading me to be more in shape, to be more poised and confident. Ultimately, this will help me in every single aspect of my life. I am thrilled to be on this journey, and every day it gets easier.
My heart and my soul, I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise, become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
— Hillsong United ‘From the Inside Out’.
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Lynn
November 13, 2011 at 3:48 pm
I am so proud of you, your accomplishments, confession, and to be your friend.
Jenn Bacile
November 13, 2011 at 7:22 pm
A very well written article that cuts to the chase of why so many runners run! Happy to share in the journey with you!
Connie Eades
November 13, 2011 at 10:51 pm
Congrats, Jessica!! This was an amazing article and confirms the steps I am taking myself. Thanks for your words of confidence and honesty!
Mary
November 22, 2011 at 10:13 pm
Great Article!