The statistics about marriage are enough to put anyone off from walking down the aisle: According to some sources, nearly one-third of all marriages fail in the first five years and more than one-half end in divorce. Marriages often collapse because couples are not prepared to go the distance and withstand the inevitable conflict that comes as the years go by.
Even those “honeymoon years” may seem more like “boot camp” after just a few months of trying to acclimate to each other’s personality differences and habits. The irritation and tensions that arise are inevitable as two independent lives try to merge into one. Yet, when couples do not understand this fact, they may start looking for the exit door, thinking that they have made a grievous mistake.
Finding common ground is easier when focusing on the fact that everyone really just wants to be happy. And, what better way to enjoy life to its fullest than to find a partner to share it with? Because of this shared value, the idea of marriage is still relevant and valuable today. Numerous published studies have concluded that a happy marriage is more likely to lead to enhanced physical and mental health.
But, too often, people enter the bond of marriage, hoping it somehow results in a harmonious alliance without realizing that they have the power to ensure the health and happiness of their relationship. That power lies in the quality of your communication with your partner. Below I have identified the most important communication keys necessary to help a marriage not only survive, but thrive so that both partners can actualize their dreams of “happily ever after.”
5 Communication Keys to Survive…and Thrive
Consider these five communication keys that you can take hold of and unlock for the benefit of your own relationship:
1. Considering the benefits of arguments. Some believe that the ideal relationship is one that is argument-free. As a result, those who do start arguing may devalue the relationship by concluding that this is a sign that it was not meant to last. Not true! Many couples have been put off by their arguments and have ended their marriages. Why? It’s because they were not communicating. Even if communication at times means arguing, at least opinions and feelings are being shared.
More importantly, it is important to reshape your thoughts around arguments. Conflict is a sign that the relationship is trying to evolve. Arguments simply signify that we are now being brought into position for transition in a relationship. If anything, these verbal sparring matches are ways to address an impasse in the relationship so that a new phase of relational growth can occur. Friction starts and arguments tend to follow a theme. When the argument circles on the same issues time and time again, each person can make a conscious decision to undertake changes to help the relationship move beyond this impasse. However, this can only happen if both parties understand and appreciate the reason for all this seeming adversity and friction. When couples do not understand the role of conflict in the relationship, a negative thought process causes them to doubt the security of the relationship and thoughts of jumping ship prevail.
Action Items: Think about putting your energies into resolving the conflict and moving to the next phase in the relationship. Let your understanding of the role of arguments dispel all fear. Put a positive spin on the arguing to uncover what needs to change and the specific actions each person can take to help propel the relationship beyond this impasse.
2. Fighting fair and with respect. When accommodating the necessary space for change, your “battle” plan must include strategies for fighting fair and within a framework of respect for the other person. Fighting fair means no name calling, no degrading one another, and not using your tongue as a weapon of mass destruction. It also means figuring out how to contain your anger and emotions so that they do not spill out into negative and personal attacks.
Working through a relationship impasse involves careful thought, listening, and rational debate. By seeking out ways to transform the relationship in a positive manner, you will be able to not only move it forward, but you may also gain new respect for your partner’s opinions and perspectives. Taking the approach that something great will come from the difficulty between you and your spouse leaves both of you more open and accepting of the differences you are facing.
Action Item: Understand and reorganize your thought paradigm around arguments and conflict within the relationship so that you fight in a fair and purposeful way. Make arguing an information gathering session rather than a “battle royale” of name calling and hatred.
Catch the next key next month.
“America’s Marriage Doctor” Jacqueline Del Rosario, Ed.D. is President and CEO of Recapturing the Vision International, an organization dedicated to promoting healthy marriages and family strengthening. Also a published author, speaker and nationally regarded media personality, Dr. Del Rosario has been a certified pre and post-marital counselor for more than 20 years. Her cutting-edge series, Marriage Solutions and The Marital Constitution™, help couples successfully work through problems and find healthy solutions. She may be reached online at www.doctordelrosario.com.
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